First Month Home Favorites

Our first month home has been like a never ending first date of getting to know each other - the good, the bad, and the ugly. I don't know how any of us could have made it without these items!

Cloud B Gentle Giraffe On The Go Sound Machine: Layla actually has a hard time falling and staying asleep in complete silence. I have a theory that it's because of the noisy NICU...either way, this has been such a lifesaver! It has a timer on it with four different sounds! So awesome.
JJ Cole Carseat Cover: I got this in graphite to match her car seat, and I'm seriously obsessed with this. Not only do I have tons of mommies asking me where I got it from, but it is inexpensive, easy to clean, and INCREDIBLY warm! After hours of scouring the web for a snowsuit for a 3 pound baby and coming up short, this was my only alternative. She doesn't even need a coat on...that's how super efficient this thing is! I seriously can't say enough good things about it.
Boon Lawn Countertop Drying Rack: As an exclusive pumper, this has been invaluable. All of those little pump pieces and all of the little pieces to her Born Free bottles never get lost. Not, to mention, the flower accessories I bought for it look so adorable. It's like art for your counter. So cute.
Burt's Bees Baby Bee Bath Products: I can't accurately describe to you the yummy-ness of these products. Every time I give Layla a bath and I put lotion and oil on her I just want to eat her up! (I love her so!) These are all natural and gentle on her sensitive skin. I've been using the oil on her scalp after the first sign of cradle cap, and now there's not a single flake to be had! At night, I put the calming lotion on her and I definitely think it helps relax her. Their powder is also talc free - which is a total plus in my book!
Britax B-Agile and B-Safe Travel System: I got this in black because I'm not a huge fan of all of my gear being pink or blue and covered in characters...just not my thing. Plus, I can use this again in the future, no matter what the gender. So it's win-win. This stroller. Is it possible to be in love with a stroller? I think as a mom, it's totally okay. This stroller can be steered with a FINGER! It's amazing. It's super light-weight, pops open and closes with one hand, and the canopy is huge! I love it. The only downside is that you have to buy all of the accessories, including the tray, separately. I ended up buying the tray and the stroller organizer. The organizer is seriously bomb. Two cup holders AND a closing pocket in the middle. Can you tell how much I love this stroller? The car seat is awesome. In truth, it was one of the highest rated car seats with the lowest weight requirements, so it was a natural contender. So glad I got this system, though. So easy to use and so stylish.
Soothie Pacifiers: AKA: Choochies. No one in my family knows where the nickname came from, we just know that's what they are. I have a huge mason jar full of these suckers (haha) on her dresser/changing table. I always grab some when Babies R Us has them B1G1. She has taken a choochie since she was born. I have tons of pictures of her tiny little face being dwarfed by these. Too much adorableness. She holds them in all by herself, too! I feel like I won the parent lottery!
Fisher Price Snugabunny Swing: After MUCH deliberation over swings and bouncers, these were the winners. I love this swing (the bouncer is awesome, too)! Because Layla has pretty bad reflux, a lot of her sleeps are spent in her swing and bouncer. At night she's in her crib, but naps are spent in this. It's comfy and cozy and I wish they made it in adult size. She's just now starting to see the mirror globe and birdies at the top, and it's so cute to see her curiosity! The only downside (and it's not even a big deal) is that the motor that spins the birdies around is a bit loud...but like I said before, my kid needs noise to sleep, so it works out. The swing swings pretty high on the lowest setting, but I'm gonna wait it out and see if it's just because my kid only weighs four pounds. Haha The bouncer has an awesome vibrate function that she LOVES and falls asleep to. So, both are huge assets in this house.
Halo Sleepsack Swaddle: Layla has been sleeping in these since she was in the PCU. They're really warm and cozy, and she really seems to like them. I like these because she doesn't require a blanket once she's in them, which puts me at ease, since she's a wiggle worm. They also wash up well. I HIGHLY recommend latching the velcro onto the flap before washing...otherwise everything in the washer will be all but super glued to the damn thing.

Hope this helps all you mommies (and daddies) out there! I'm always in search of amazing baby products, so if you have some that you love, leave me comments and let me know!

St. Patrick's Day

We had a busy week this week, especially with the holiday. I'm a holiday freak, but because of everything going on, I didn't get to decorate and bake as much as I wanted to.

First, we had a visit from my friend Natalie and her son Cruze. It's so bizarre to see Layla next to a baby around her age. Cruze is only a month older than Layla, but you'd swear it was more like a year! Layla is the first preemie I've held and been around, but when I see full terms, they seem humongous!

For St. Patrick's day, we had dinner at Andrew's parents - traditional corned beef and colcannon. So good! I was able to get some adorable pictures of Layla, too!

Having a preemie, hell having a baby in general, means lots of doctors appointments. Layla has a full schedule of home nurse, pediatrician, urology (for her hernia), and ophthalmology (stage 2 ROP) appointments each week, which means mommy has a full schedule, too! But, having her home and happy and healthy makes it all so very worth it!

It's been pretty exhausting to try and get a schedule worked, out, but I think we're almost there! She's eating every three hours during the day and every four at night. She's still getting a teaspoon of Earth's Best Organic Oatmeal twice a day (her pediatrician wants her to have it with each feeding, but she was sleeping for six hours at a time!) to help with her reflux.

Now that we've officially had her home a month, I'm gonna make a post of my first month must-haves/favorites some time this week, so keep an eye out for that!


Seriously? How adorable is this outfit?!

And, I'll leave you all with one more of her special 3AM smiles that she saves just for Mommy!

Bringing Home Baby

After 76 excruciatingly long days spent in the NICU, Layla was finally ready to come home. Tipping the scale at 3 pounds 7 ounces, I was still terrified to break her! I asked them if they were sure about a million times, because God knows I wasn't! haha She has to be the smallest baby to ever come home. Seriously. Is there a record for that somewhere? Poor baby's car seat swallows her whole!


Britax B-Safe Car Seat
JJ Cole Car Seat Cover

When you have a baby in the NICU and it's drilled into your head about cleanliness and washing your hands and hand sanitizing and sterilizing everything and staying indoors...it becomes a little surreal that taking this fragile little baby home only requires a few signatures and the snip of a band.

It kind of sucked because I had been looking so forward to that "mommy moment" of carrying your baby out of the hospital as everyone smiles at you and congratulates you...After watching countless mommies leave with their babies over the last 76 days, I wanted that. A part of me NEEDED that moment. It might be small and stupid, but after missing out on a lot of pregnancy moments, this moment kind of meant something to me. Instead, the nurse carried her out and it was insult to injury when a passerby congratulated HER on her new baby. :( And she said thank you. It was all very awkward.

When we got home and took her out of her car seat, we kind of just sat there. I think we both got that new parent feeling of "What the hell do we do now?" It's only been a month and I think I still have that feeling. haha

I'm not sure if it's a "preemie thing" or not, but Layla has a home nurse visit her 1-2 times a week to check her weight and eating habits and things like that. She's gained almost a whole pound since being home and I'm so proud of her. She has always been a slow grower, even when I was pregnant with her. As of today, she weighs 4 pounds 3 ounces and 17 inches long, and she's worked so hard for every bit of that! I love so much having her home and getting to see how much she changes each and everyday. Being a mom, being her mom, makes me happier than I have ever been.

Our Time in the NICU

SO. The whole reason I wanted to create this blog was to share my experience as a preemie mommy. I will absolutely post about all things baby, but definitely branch off into beauty, food, DIY, etc. Bear with me as I'm getting my feet wet and figuring everything out...I'm new to the world of blogging!

Anyways...about our NICU stay. Layla was in the NICU for a total of 76 days, which felt like a LIFETIME! I think out of 76 days, I was unable to visit her for 3 of them. We live 30 minutes from hospital, so going back and forth every single day was exhausting, but being apart from her was even worse.


She was only intubated for one day, on the CPAP for 3 days, and then on nasal cannula for the next few weeks. I truly believe the steroid shots I received for her changed her life.

Layla was diagnosed with grade 1 and 2 brain bleeds, but they cleared up on their own with no side effects or damage at all. She had a hard time tolerating her feeds, but she eventually got the hang of it! I think the scariest thing that happened was when she tested positive for a staph infection from a PICC line. To a tiny little baby that barely weighs 2 pounds, an infection can be lethal. So, she was once again pulled off her feeds and pumped with antibiotics.


Through this whole traumatizing ordeal, my sweet little baby always had smiles for her daddy and I. Since she was born, she's smiled. And it has been the sweetest thing to witness.

Once the humidity was turned off on her isolette, it was just a matter of time before she could start wearing all the adorably tiny preemie clothes we had received.

The first time I saw her in clothes, I cried. It was becoming more real everyday that she was mine and she was getting stronger and healthier, and soon I would get to take her home. She looked so adorable! Like a fuzzy little bear!


Soon after, she was moved to the PCU (Progressive Care Unit) and taken off of her nasal cannula. Once her G-tube came out and she was feeding from a bottle, it was like seeing her for the first time. No tape, no tubes...nothing to obstruct my view of her. I still stare at her all the time and wonder how she got to be so gorgeous. The last step was moving her to her open crib. It was so exciting and the look on her face was priceless. I'm sure she was wondering what the hell was going on. haha

I thank God every single day for our uneventful time spent in the NICU. When you see so many other parents that lose their babies or see other babies having to fight so hard, it puts a perspective on things. I never planned for things to go this way. Who does? But I have learned so much about my daughter, about Andrew, and about myself.


My daughter is a fighter. She is the strongest, most courageous person I know.

From the Beginning

In December of 2011, I was diagnosed with PCOS and insulin resistance. This came after countless months of endocrinology appointments, dozens of tests, and 7 years of virtually no periods. My endocrinologist originally thought I had a really rare disorder called Non-Classical Congenital Adrenal Hyperplasia (NCAH) and put me on a steroid called dexamethasone until further testing was done. After struggling with my weight for years, packing on 20 pounds from a steroid was really upsetting...especially after finding out that I didn't have NCAH after all.

In January of 2012, I found out I was pregnant. I don't think that words could accurately describe how incredibly elated we were. Here we were, seven years together (and less than seven condoms used), and we were finally pregnant! Even though it was so early, we told all of our closest friends and family because we were so excited. Because of the NCAH scare and because the dexamethasone was what allowed me to get pregnant, I was declared "high risk" and sent in immediately for an early ultrasound. At 5 weeks, I was diagnosed with a blighted ovum, and miscarried the day before Valentine's Day.

We were devastated. I know people handle things differently, and I tend to go a bit inside my own head, so it was hard for me to find comfort in words - in anything really. The "we'll try again"s or "it'll happen when it's time"s were anything but helpful. At the time, I didn't want to try again - because being a mommy just wasn't going to happen for me. It wasn't in the cards. I was bitter and mean and angry at God and everyone.

Over the next few months, I slipped into a really dark place. I didn't talk to or see anyone but Andrew. Most nights I would cry to him or to myself. I would attempt to end our relationship out of anger or sadness because I felt like he deserved to be with someone who could give him the family he wanted. Out of my own anger, I was determined to be alone, but no matter how hard I pushed, he wouldn't let me. I felt like less of a person - less of a woman. As a woman, having a child is the one thing we're genetically designed to do...and I couldn't do it. It was impossible to rise above the self-loathing.

Looking back, I know I still carried a small sliver of hope, because I begrudgingly continued going to doctors appointments and taking tests. Still, the "I don't know why the hell I'm going, it's not like it's going to help," commentary played over and over. By May, I was exhausted. My endocrinologist called to tell me that, while all of the genetic testing for NCAH was negative, and even though I did test positive for insulin resistance, she didn't want me to get pregnant. (WHAT?!) She wanted to run MORE tests and re-submit the genetic test and re-do all of the tests I had taken over the last 5 months. I broke down in tears and told her I couldn't do it anymore. I was done. No one ever plans for this. I never planned to undergo genetic testing, to take multiple glucose tests at the ass crack of dawn, to collect my own piss in a milk jug and keep it in my fridge for 24 hours at a time, to be injected with estrogen to see what happens, to be put on medication I didn't even need...but what completely blindsided me was a doctor that I had cried to, confided in, and trusted tell me that she had no intention of helping me to get pregnant because I was too fat. She said that she was sorry, and that she knew better than anyone what it was like to not be able to get pregnant, but that she wouldn't help someone at my BMI get pregnant.

That was it for me. I asked her to please give me a medication for my insulin resistance and I told her that I would have my family doctor refer me to a new endocrinologist. This is when I started taking the metformin that I had begged my endocrinologist to put me on for 5 months.

Later that month, I was talking to my gyno about what had happened, and she immediately referred me to a reproductive endocrinologist. I made the hour long drive to see him, telling myself that if he couldn't help me, then no one could.

He agreed that my endo put me through the ringer. That after reviewing all of my test results, there was no way that I could have NCAH. That people who have NCAH rarely live to be my age and that he didn't understand my endo's thought process. He showed me a chart with my results and how they fell into the "normal" range, and he was extremely sympathetic. Never ONCE did he say anything about my weight. "You do have PCOS, and women with PCOS sometimes hold a bit more weight in the stomach area. So what? You want to be pregnant, so why are we wasting time not trying to get you pregnant? Women with extra weight have healthy pregnancies everyday." He wrote me a prescription for clomid and set me up with a follow-up appointment to check my follicles once I had taken the clomid.

I don't think he quite understood just how much that meant to me. Just one doctor with faith in me and in the ability to fulfill a dream for me allowed me to have faith in myself again. That doctor will always, always hold a special place in my heart.

So, with prescription in hand and hope renewed, I waited for my period so that I could start taking the clomid. I waited. And waited. And waited.

The metformin was supposed to help regulate my insulin levels, thus allowing me to have a period, so I felt myself starting to get upset again and wondering if the medicine wasn't working. By mid-June, I was extremely sick, with a high fever and a killer sinus infection. After two weeks, a box of Sudafed, and a period that still hadn't showed, I was at a loss. What the hell was wrong with me?

On June 25, I was in the bathroom getting ready to go out to dinner with Andrew for our 7 year anniversary when I decided to do something I hadn't done in months...pee on a stick. Before getting pregnant the first time, I was a POAS addict, but after everything that happened, I didn't even want to try. To keep squinting and staring until you start to see a line that isn't even there...it's just depressing. I had two tests left, a non-existent period, and a relatively good mood with the thought that I could take the hit if it was negative.

I took the test, and instead of staring like I usually do, I took a deep breath and walked out of the room. What I came back to made me the happiest I had ever been...

The line is SOOOOOO faint that most people probably couldn't even see it (and the picture is horrible), but I did. I couldn't believe it, so I took a second test, and BAM! That second line was just as faint, but it was still there nonetheless. I won't lie. I continued to take a test everyday for the next two weeks to make sure the line wouldn't go away. It never did. The happiness was quickly replaced with fear. I couldn't go through another loss again. I didn't think my heart could take it. After a test at my doctor's to confirm, the fear was joined with anger and depression. Yes, I was pregnant. "But I'm just going to lose this one, too. Yes, my dream had come true, and without the clomid! "Better not get attached, it's just going to be ripped away from you." My inner dialogue wouldn't allow me a single second of peace. When I started cramping and bleeding at 5 weeks, I was barely hanging on to sanity. My mom rushed me to the emergency room where I was diagnosed with a threatened miscarriage and rushed into an ultrasound.
And there she was. This little poppy seed of a person with a heartbeat of 159 beats per minute. I was in love.

But the fear and anger never left me. I spent my entire pregnancy on edge with a refusal to bond because I didn't want to get hurt again. (At least I thought I wasn't bonding, but that shit sneaks up on you whether you want it or not!) And I did. I was just terrified. Even more so now that I had seen a real heart beating and a really teeny tiny little baby was indeed, in there.

I was immediately put on bed rest at home and unable to work. So, for the next 3 months, I was alone with my horrible thoughts. If it weren't for Andrew, I would have driven myself insane. Periodic ultrasounds and proof that my baby was growing helped to ease my fear overtime.

In October, I was allowed to go back to work on a 25 hour per week restriction. A month later, I had an ultrasound to check on her growth. (A previous ultrasound had shown her head circumference to be in the 5th percentile.) The ultrasound tech took her measurements and asked if she could do a trans vaginal to check my cervix. As she was looking at the screen, she got a funny look on her face and excused herself from the room. I just looked at Drew in panic, hoping that everything was okay. When she came back in she told us that my cervix was wide open and that an ambulance was on the way.

I just started crying. I didn't know what to think. I wasn't in any pain. I wasn't experiencing any signs of labor...maybe she was wrong? I was rushed to the hospital via ambulance with Andrew following behind. When I got there and the doctor did a cervical exam I was told that I had less than 1mm of my cervix left on the bottom and that my bag was bulging. At this point, I was only 24 weeks, but they assured me that if I had her, they would do all that they could to save her.

I spent the last three weeks of November in the hospital. (Thanksgiving in a hospital BLOWS.) Every morning I was put on the monitor for a non-stress test, I received two rounds of steroids to help strengthen her lungs, and I had the wonderful task of inserting a pill of progesterone into my lady parts every night. ("Do you need any help in there?" "NO!!!")

I went in to labor once and they were able to stop it with magnesium...until December 3rd. I was rushed back to labor and delivery and put back on magnesium to try and stop it again. But it didn't work this time. Like with my miscarriage, I was having excruciating back labor, and received an epidural that changed my life. (I'm not trying to be a hero.) The magnesium acts as a muscle relaxer, so I am not exaggerating when I tell you that I slept through all 10 centimeters of dilation. They had to wake me up to have me push. It was wonderful. Haha My water still hadn't broke, so they wanted me to push her out IN the sack. WHAT?! Let me tell you how horribly awkward it was to have a doctor, two nurses and 4 NICU staff staring at you with all of your goods on display as you wait for another contraction...I may or may not have faked having a contraction just so I could push and break the weird tension. I was able to get her head out in the sack until it burst and scared the shit out of everyone in the room.

On December 4th, at 3:54 in the morning, after fifteen minutes of pushing I heard this little mew of a cry. She was here.


And she was perfect.